KawaiiDragoness's Xanga

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tue, 30 May 2006 19:48:38 GMT

Since when was Prom a sit-down dinner? (Former Interschool-ites, can you confirm y/n?)

Am going to work with Time, Inc. this summer (actually with Teen People Online.) It's much trashier than what I expected for this year (actually I was hoping first for the IT of a law firm, then Time's "production end" that glues the conglomerate together, again as a help desk type), but sounds awesome with lots of cool people and lots of really good HTML experience. Plus, I'll be right on Rockefeller Center. (Kinokuniya, anyone?)

Senior Projects dinner tonight. I wanna sneak out and get HOME damnit, though I'm really psyched for yearbook (it's SO PRETTY ZOMG.)

For those of you really out of the loop, yes indeed, I am dating Darwin (not Charles, no, his first name's really Darwin, you can ask for details later.) Makes me kinda sad that I'm gonna have to leave in under 3 months tho. :(

love and such
kawa

the moment you stopped dreaming

Tue, 09 May 2006 12:03:09 GMT

God, it's been a while.

So yes. It's official that I'm going to Florida, all that's left is dealing with the loans. I'm thankful APs are over. Senior spring is an interesting experience, as is seeing the homeroom empty (and clean) on many an occasion. It's hard to believe that after this week I may never be in a chorus again (I don't think there's one in Florida Tech, though it'd be awesome if someone could prove me wrong.) I went to Sakura Matsuri (the cherry blossom festival) at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens Sunday last week, and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and there were a lot of otaku, some in costume, all some of the nicest people in the world (I've found this to be the cast with most otaku, someday I'll be proved wrong and that'll just suck.)

*

I'm breaking up with Anthony today.

Yes, I'm initiating it. No, this wasn't an easy decision for me to make. It's because...it's because I shouldn't feel like I'm leaving something behind, someone who wants so bad to cling and who looks so far ahead that I can't take it. He always did look too far ahead, and that's sometimes really frightening. I know it's supposed to be flatterig, but still. If I did it later, it'd only hurt more, it'd only prolong the pain. I don't want to be the evil ex-girlfriend, I don't want to hurt him, but it looks like I have no choice. We all know how intense summer gets, "summers of love," and I don't know if I can handle that.

*

Something else is beginning.

Strange, since I'm breaking up with someone to have no ties back here. Yeah, I met him at Sakura Matsuri. His name's Darwin, he's a junior at one of the small public schools in the Bronx, an engineering/math/science sort of place, the kind of people who go to Florida Tech, strangely enough. At the time I thought he'd end up dating someone else, but she's not his type, or something. He's sweet, he's an otaku, he wants to teach me how to dance. I think I'm falling for him, but I don't know if I can handle it.

*

And life continues.

No matter what happens, I will still be in Florida in three months, a thousand miles away from here, away from this city, away from the memories, away from the promises, away from the cold, away from the cherry blossoms (they don't grow down there, it's too warm.) A very different anime club, a very different set of people, male classmates for the first time in six years, bigger computer labs, less humanities courses, lots of math. I'm looking forward to it, to new people and new places and the freedom to drive places and weekends sitting on the beach at Indiatlantic - but I don't know if I can handle leaving New York behind.

Oh life, what are you doing to me?

More from Florida.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 18:39:18 GMT

Same library again; my mom wants a card here. (Should've brought my laptop, eep.) I'll get my own card in August. Not much has happened in the interim; a few more random Filipinos, a flea market, more walks, more normalcy. Not bad, though.

Surprised people actually responded to my last entry; I never get comments! So I'll reply.

Javi: Psht. I hate cold weather, gives me asthma and all sorts of problems, and (undiagnosed) SAD. This is healthy anyway. 'Sides, you've gotta be jealous of the mangoes.

Razi: And here I was thinking you were dead...what's up with you?

Bah, don't know what to say, really...
kawa

Florida, and Things.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 18:08:57 GMT

Warm weather and palm trees and shorts and driving in West Melbourne on the 'strip' and running into random amounts of Filipino goodness, who knew? Furniture shopping and Wal*Mart and a haircut (pictures later) and that random Asian grocery on the 192. Fred Lee Park and suburbia and nothing with multiple floors and the vast majority of streets with names and not numbers, almost never numbers.

I'm in the library, sapping off Internet access and delicious air conditioning and laughing at the New Yorkers in the cold. I'm looking forward to spending the next few years here, to shrugging off winter blues and tech school and driving places on my own and crunching numbers with my peers and having new friends and new goals and new protocol. But I wonder just how different things can get, just how much good this change'll do me.

*

And what am I leaving behind in New York? Cold weather and preppy elitists and Brearley and "liberal arts education," true; but also Chang Xin, and the dreams I had for Brearley, and the city that I love, and old DDR spots, and walks along Union Square, and milkshakes at FAO, and the hill up Palermo Street, and old friends, and ex-boyfriends who are still friends, and memories on memories.

And Anthony, loyal and unwavering. He swears so much affection and so much dedication. There is a part of me that wants to break it off now, that should've broken it sooner, that can't actually stand it, can't stand constantly hearing "I miss you, baby, I want you, baby, you'll always be my baby..." And then there's another part of me, that needs it so much, that hungers for it, that needs to be loved and missed and what's more, wanted, because I haven't been wanted for so long.

There's some of me, too, that also wants something acceptable, something accepted, something to call "fine," something that doesn't have to go into hiding. Then there's some of me that can't stand the idea of breaking a heart, because mine's been broken often enough, arrogant and trivial as that sounds from a seventeen year old.

It's such a bizarre role reversal considering 'the last time,' and my 'loyalty,' and that sudden way it all ended, pulling the carpet from under my feet. How was I to know, though, how was I to know?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 17:42:26 GMT

To Do list.

* study for English
* study for History
* driving lesson Thursday
* more music
* more origami
* clean room etc
* call Prep

much better than i originally thought. hm.
Kawa

insert something here.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 17:27:17 GMT

Prize pack not in yet. Behind on Light in August. CRAP.

In other news, this makes me so, SO happy. I wanna know MORE damnit~~~~~

Going to Florida over Spring Break. Will hopefully have internet this time. Am setting up the house, primping it, and going to Miami too. Huzzah!

Starting driver's lessons on Saturday. Kinda neutral about the whole thing.

blah blah blah
Kawa

PS: Moni - Plushie is a nickname. :D

This weekend.

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 21:13:15 GMT

To Do (in no particular order):

Manga - new mag from Tokyopop, Loveless 1, Gravi 1 & 2, Tactics 1 & 2
Math packet
Light in August
History reading
More tea
More "mocha cappucinos" (mixing warm milk and a hot chocolate packet into coffee)
Winter Olympics (haven't been as obsessed as usual, somehow)
Hope for my prize pack to come in (yaaaaaaaaay)

Sweets. [metaphoric post 1]

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 02:38:29 GMT

It's a pretty well known fact that I love my sweets, really do. Addicted to them, really. Unhealthy habit, picking new ones up and letting them use me until I finally waste away. And it's practically routine, every once in a while, to go back through the old wrappers and remember what used to be my favorite sweets.

One simple, the type gourmands like, hiding surprising nutty hardness in layers of soft-but-unbreakable marshmallow. (Okay, not unbreakable, but I have no patience in sweets, it's really my fault, probably went in too fast, why that suddenly went sour. Or perhaps I just wasn't looking at the expiration date, hoping for it to last forever.)

Another whose taste washes in and out, in waves; when it's not that euphoric (but somehow sad) sweetness, there's this bitter aftertaste, empty, waiting for it to come back, unpredictable. Not like that one's even on the market anymore anyway, by any means; and when it ages, the taste changes, in a bad way.

And now. Now, what seems to be perfect, hitting every tastebud just-so, curling around and making me feel warm and fuzzy. Too good to be true; plus, feels a bit like merchandise I shouldn't have touched in the first place. Can nothing make me happy?

And why can't I just be content with fruit? The kiwis I used to love so, or the mangoes of summery days?

Clams.

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 18:58:19 GMT

Does anyone remember the old iBooks, with their funky colors? Yes. I'm using one of those now (updated to have OSX, but otherwise the same.) Now that they've updated most of the Brearley computers beyond that, you can rent these out if your home comp isn't working, and are referred to as clams.

Compared to my normal laptop (Toshiba Satellite A86), it's tiny and light...and kinda sucks. For one thing, it maxes out at 800x600 resolution. (By contrast I use the Toshiba at its max, 1280x800 - for technophobes, that means the pictures look ridiculously big on this and take up far more space than I want them to.) For another, this is supposed to be at full brightness but sure doesn't feel like it. (Then again, the home laptop has this extra-funky brightness thing going...so I don't know.) Thirdly, it has barely anything on it and I'm not allowed to install anything (and most certainly not any Playstation emulators, let alone torrent programs.) I could ask them to install Photoshop, but they claim it can't handle it.

So why do I have a clam as opposed to my normal, beautiful Satellite A86?

I need a new battery - the current one refuses to charge when the cover isn't shut, and will barely run on only AC power, plus it uses up said battery far faster than usual, giving me only an hour of Kawa-time (whether that be playing FF8 or writing an essay) before going kaput. NOT COOL, especially as far as essays are concerned. So for the time being, I have a clam.

I really want to clean these keys, too...they feel all gross. And I'll have to get rid of any and all evidence (cookies, temp files, etc) afterwards too, since it is school property and I'd rather not have the school know what websites I go to. Sucks though, since all of my music's on the laptop too. (This does have iTunes, but that's not that useful....)

It does, however, have Firefox, my school's e-mail program, and chess. *ponder*

THREE DAY WEEKEND~!
kawa

blasts from the past et al

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 14:52:42 GMT

so one of the GWFers is contacting me again. Lovely circle, after I started this blog when GWF was in its decline, ne?

Finished a math test early (then again, when do I not?) Doubt I got some of it right, but staring at it again won't help much of anything. Oh well.

Perhaps I shall have bubble tea sometime today. Yes, that seems like a good idea. I haven't had any in a while, and I'm in the mood for treating myself. (I also hadn't had a Jamba Juice matcha green tea smoothie in a while, until Friday that is...god, they're so good.)

I can't believe everything is so close to over; that we're planning Senior Show and cut day and my mom wants to shop graduation dresses (I want something ala Major Kusanagi in 2nd GiG ep 3, but I doubt I'll find anything like it that'll actually look good on me, since my figure is nothing like hers, no matter what any boy will tell you.) I wonder if I should go to prom? And what should I wear?

blah de de blah blah blah
kawa