| | Warm weather and palm trees and shorts and driving in West Melbourne on the 'strip' and running into random amounts of Filipino goodness, who knew? Furniture shopping and Wal*Mart and a haircut (pictures later) and that random Asian grocery on the 192. Fred Lee Park and suburbia and nothing with multiple floors and the vast majority of streets with names and not numbers, almost never numbers.
I'm in the library, sapping off Internet access and delicious air conditioning and laughing at the New Yorkers in the cold. I'm looking forward to spending the next few years here, to shrugging off winter blues and tech school and driving places on my own and crunching numbers with my peers and having new friends and new goals and new protocol. But I wonder just how different things can get, just how much good this change'll do me.
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And what am I leaving behind in New York? Cold weather and preppy elitists and Brearley and "liberal arts education," true; but also Chang Xin, and the dreams I had for Brearley, and the city that I love, and old DDR spots, and walks along Union Square, and milkshakes at FAO, and the hill up Palermo Street, and old friends, and ex-boyfriends who are still friends, and memories on memories.
And Anthony, loyal and unwavering. He swears so much affection and so much dedication. There is a part of me that wants to break it off now, that should've broken it sooner, that can't actually stand it, can't stand constantly hearing "I miss you, baby, I want you, baby, you'll always be my baby..." And then there's another part of me, that needs it so much, that hungers for it, that needs to be loved and missed and what's more, wanted, because I haven't been wanted for so long.
There's some of me, too, that also wants something acceptable, something accepted, something to call "fine," something that doesn't have to go into hiding. Then there's some of me that can't stand the idea of breaking a heart, because mine's been broken often enough, arrogant and trivial as that sounds from a seventeen year old.
It's such a bizarre role reversal considering 'the last time,' and my 'loyalty,' and that sudden way it all ended, pulling the carpet from under my feet. How was I to know, though, how was I to know?
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| | Posted 3/23/2006 2:08 PM - 38 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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